Thursday, November 02, 2006


When I write out in public, it's usually happy-ish or neutral, it's definitely selected and polished a little. It's rarely been raw me, perhaps it should be more often, I don't know. But I know that the raw me can be both boring and a real bummer, so I'm self conscious. Who wants to bore people and bum them out? I wrote the following, figuring as I did so that I'd just erase it and replace it with something about football or acting or whatever, but I'm not replacing it. I'm lost, I've been pretty lost for a while, and here's me talking about it:

I really wonder how much longer I'll live. I know my kick-the-can life has drastically shortened my life expectancy. Very few important things are going right or well, and although I mostly have a sense of humor about it, today I don't. I get pretty fucking tired. You can't just keep going like this indefinitely. Every so often I've gotten some drastic jolt to happen, hoping for a jumpstart. Well, that method's effectiveness has tapered off a lot with each try, and now it's utterly run its course. I can't do that anymore, and I have no idea what else I can do. A bunch of money all at once would definitely help, I could work with that :P. Where else do I get real hope? It's in this frame of mind where I say, I could use some good news. From outside my own self, that I do not have to manufacture myself. I have too hard a time lately accessing my own (hope and good news), the survival kind I come up with for myself, and even if it weren't such a drag to do, the result's hollower than ever these days. It's like go-through-the-motions hope, not substantive, I-could-be-excited-about-this hope. It isn't real. I can see through it too easily. I am too alone, for too long, my small life is too big of a disaster, and I'm tired.

No comments: