Whining :P

Bummer Alert.

Although I'm happy about a great Seahawks win, I'm attempting to dodge various symptoms of depression today, not too successfully. Ignoring it and focussing on happy shit only goes so far. It's still there.

The big fat trigger lately is going home to no one. I absolutely love and need privacy, but the pain of being by myself has gotten beyond ridiculous. The other stuff that sucks feels like it would all be less overwhelming-feeling and maybe even manageable if I were not alone.

I feel like banging my head against a wall.



My mouse is not cooperating, I feel blurry, and I really miss the Redskins guy. I also think I would love to have the computer Jason made for me, but I really don't until I have a better home than the godforsaken little hole I have at the moment. Also ... stockings will of course happen, but I'm not so sure I'll make it home. That worry is also a big factor in my bummed frame of mind and physiology.

Not Dead

Sorry it's been like 379 years since my last post, and I can't spend any real time right now, but I thought I'd check in and let you know all is well.

*I haven't contacted Tony yet, although I do have a phone card and will talk with my mom about ways to approach this, shortly

*Bernie arrived briefly in L.A. but had to return home almost immediately, basically because airlines are hyperbureaucratic assholes from the seventh circle of hell

*I went to the fashion district to try to find good cheap stuff - verdict: yes to some extent on the 'cheap', not so much on the 'good'. I did come away with a few fun stocking stuffers, however.

*I actually have untouched money left not only in my bank, but (a few bucks just to see how long I can go without touching it) in my savings account. There is a thread (though it remains a very thin one), of me making it home for Christmas this year. Toast me, bitches.

*In the words of the great and admirable David Schmader, Nothing happened today. Laundry, cleaning and possibly a trip back downtown are on the list for tomorrow. I'll talk to you again on Monday from work.

Kotzebue, Alaska Connection!

My father, Robert Taylor Thach, Jr., was born to Robert Taylor Thach, Sr. and Angeline Davidovics in Kotzebue, AK. in 1945. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning in 1979, before I ever got a chance to meet him, so unfortunately. He knew of me and wanted me to stick around, though, arguing to keep me from being given up for adoption in 1968. He lost that arguement but also wanted to be supportive of my mom, Mary. I've seen pictures of him and met most of the rest of my family, but I had never seen so much as seen a picture of his mother, Angeline.

I don't have much time left in my work day, so I'll write more about how this happened tomorrow or Wednesday, but for now, here finally is a picture from the 1930s featuring Angeline (she is on your far right):



From what I understand, Angeline's mom was or Inupiaq and her dad was part or Inupiaq. My own heritage as far as I know (and I'm working on finding out more about my father):

Inupiaq and French on my father's side
Norwegian and German on my mother's side

I don't yet know how the other people in the photo are related to Angeline, but the guy second from left reminds Joy and I of Marty Feldman, and think he would have made a great cartoon character. :)

A few days ago on a lark, I went to the City of Kotzebue website and signed the guestbook, telling about my father and his mother. Yesterday, I got an email from this VERY nice man by the name of Dean Westlake in Kotzebue, who's mom knew Angeline. We ended up having quite a cool and lively exchange, including his sending me the above photo and putting me in touch with my cousin Teddy and his family. We talked about visiting sometime; my mom loved Alaska when she and my brother, and sisters and dad went to live there (my dad was working on the pipeline) and would love to go back. I'd just love to go in the first place, and take Tony there, too.

When I was growing up, I loved learning about Washington State history and felt connected with the Coast Salish - and still do. I love their arts, spirit and history and have always felt proud of it - proud to be from Seattle whose heritage this is. I felt, it's my heritage too. I identified in some key ways with Native American spirituality. It did not surprise me in the least - in fact, certain things seemed to click right into place - when I learned I am Native Alaskan.

I am so happy to have (cyber) met Dean Westlake, who is ushering me into this part of my family! My father's surviving siblings will help a bit too, I'm sure, although it's understandably more old hat to them. I'm not sure how much or how little they know anyway, and I'm not too sure they know Dean - I think that's my own connection!

Pretty cool huh? I'll be writing to my cousin Teddy's family sometime over the Thanksgiving weekend, and I'm sure I'll have a bit more to report later.

Take Off Your Coat and Stay Awhile

Look over at the sidebar and scroll down. If you are bored, you can play Tetris. I'm also trying to find a Post-it note thingy and who knows, maybe some other stuff.

Who, Me?

Favorite Stuff (as of today, anyway):
food:	Usually savory pie
meal of the day:	Lunch
type of pasta:	Bow Tie
desert:	Chocolate
type of meat:	Turkey
vegetable:	Yukon Gold Potatoes
fruit:	Blackberries
kind of salad:	Waldorf
kind of cookie:	Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
kind of pie:	a tie: Pumpkin/blackberry
pizza topping:	Fresh Basil, Mmmmmm, also love artichoke hearts, mushrooms, sausage
flavor:	Amaretto
ice cream flavor:	Haagan Dazs' Mexican Chocolate (can't remember actual name)
snack:	Varies too much
flavor potato chip:	Sour Cream and Onion
drink:	Triple short Americano with cream and sugar
alcoholic drink:	Vodka drinks, I heart Cosmos
condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.):	Mayo, esp. the herbed kind at Cafe Septieme in Seattle
nationality of food (chinese, italian, etc.):	Varies. Try Ethiopian sometime, Mmmmm!
restaurant:	Here in L.A., so far it's still Canter's. There's a reason it's so popular and has been around so long.
breakfast food:	Cereal, yogurt, fresh fruit
dinner food:	Today? Meatloaf, garlic mashed potatoes, salad and beer
salad dressing:	Honey Mustard
way to eat a potato:	As long as it's a Yukon Gold, any way is dandy
meal to cook:	I like dealing with fish.
flavor coffee:	If I'm getting a latte, almond. I also heart Mocha Valencias.
flavor tea:	Chai
candy bar:	Meh. I'll eat it if it's dark chocolate.
candy:	Chocolate
snack at the movies:	Popcorn, rootbeer, and if I'm at the Arclight, possibly an apple chicken sausage dog.
way to eat popcorn:	Still a fool for butter and salt
ice cream topping:	Dark Chocolate hot fudge, whipped cream and pecans or walnuts
carnival/fair treat:	Puyallup fair scones with fresh butter and blackberry jam, Mmmmmmm!!!!!
soft drink:	Henry Weinhard's, any flavor
koolaid flavor:	Orange
thanksgiving food:	Stuffing! Turkey, Jeez, everything. That's my fave meal of the whole year.
spice (salt, sugar, cinnamon, etc.):	Cinnamon
Everyday stuff
time to get up:	7:30 a.m.
place to shop:	Target, usually. Downtown's good for cheap stuff.
time of day:	Twilight
day of week:	Friday
month:	September, December
holiday:	Merry Christmas!
brand of toothpaste:	Crest Vivid White
brand of shampoo:	Clairol
type of makeup:	Lip stuff
place to be:	Safe, comfortable home
subject in school:	Was Drama, Languages (English, French)
class:	...
teacher:	Several, loved Mr. Pittis
foreign language:	French
historical event:	I'm fascinated by the 1930's and '40's, USA and Erurope
city:	I'll take Manhattan
article of clothing:	T-shirts
item you own:	Cozy sweater
pet:	was Muffin the adorable doggie
animal:	Dogs, but I love all animals
color:	Blue
season:	Still Autumn
type of weather:	Mild
career:	Actor
extra curricular activity (dance, gymnastrics, etc.):	...
sport:	To do? Sail
party game:	...
Dating & love
physical feature in the opposite sex:	Friendliness
personality trait of the opposite sex:	Warmth
place to go on a date:	Dinner and a movie is still a big fave for me, but I love to talk at a cafe (or wherever) for hours, too
thing to do on a date:	Talk, if it's a new person
gift to get from your date:	His presence
flower:	Gerbera Jamesonii, AKA the Gerber Daisy
kind of kiss:	Deep, long and sweet
place to be kissed:	Mouth
place to kiss your date:	Mouth
topic of conversation with your date:	Whatever arises naturally
way to show affection:	Big cozy sweet hugs
way for them to dress:	However he'd like
way to communicate with them (phone, email, etc.):	In person
Music, Movies, etc.
genre of music:	Today? Industrial
band:	So many, Jeez
singer:	Right now, K.T. Tunstall
radio station:	Jack FM
concert you've been to:	Dave Matthews Band
party music:	Rock
romantic music:	Sade
way to listen to music (CD, radio, etc.):	iPod
music to listen to when you're sad:	Soul II Soul
music to listen to when you're angry:	Megadeth, other hard edged music
song:	I miss Jesus Christ Pose
lyrics:	"If you open your mind to see, you won't rely on open eyes to see" - Queensryche
album:	Today? So - Peter Gabriel
song that relates to your life:	"The Rest Is Still Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield
quote:	"Only Connect" - usually attributed to E.M. Forster
joke:	Sly in-jokes
actor:	George Eads
actress:	Scarlett Johanssen
comedian:	Jon Stewart
TV show overall:	CSI:
reality show:	...
game show:	Jeopardy
drama:	House, Bones, more
sitcom:	Today? Till Death
TV channel:	CBS
movie:	Today? Shawshank Redemption
genre of movie:	Action/Thriller
place to go to the movies:	The Arclight, or Grauman's Chinese #9, the original big theater
people to see a movie with:	I like going on my own, actually
type of movie to see in a theater:	Big, expensive, popular special effects monsters like King Kong, Star Wars, etc.
All About You
physical feature:	Eyes
personality trait:	Friendliness
way to wear your hair:	Back and up
way to wear your makeup:	Not much
pair of shoes:	The Docs
outfit:	Jeans and T-shirt
thing that makes you smile:	Tony, emails from The Prof
person:	Joy
family member:	Noah
friend:	Joy again
room in your house:	Kitchen
place to be alone:	Anywhere's fine
place to be with your friends:	Their house, wherever they'd like to be
The Internet
website:	The Sixth Notebook
email host:	Gmail
IM service:	Gmail's
emoticon:	:P
online friend:	The Reverend Dr. Neurogeist
blog site:	Joy's
online game:	Tetris
IM/chat phrase:	...
search engine:	Google
font:	Varies by purpose
Travel & the world
type of car:	Mercedes SLK 350
form of transportation:	Trains are therapeutic
state in the US:	Washington State, California, New York
place to vacation:	Hawaii
ocean:	Pacific, although the Atlantic kicks some ass, too
country:	The United States of America
place to travel:	so far, Europe
type of climate (arctic, desert, beach, etc.):	Mild, agreeable
type of surroundings (city, country, etc.):	To live in? the City; to visit? Anywhere but suburbs or boring plains
State Park:	The Olympic National Rain Forest
natural wonder:	Let me get back to you on that ...
body of water:	Today? Lakes
Childhood
childhood toy:	Books
childhood memory:	Reading
childhood friend:	James was pretty cool
elementary school activity:	Dismissal
place to play:	My room
game to play:	Ninny and Esses (ask and I'll teach you)
birthday party (yours or a friend's):	My fifth was cool
food as a kid:	Ravioli, chocolate
way to annoy your parents:	Tried not to, failed miserably
way to get what you wanted:	Got it myself
Take this survey | Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

Tony Marcus Cassani

Dear Kiddo,

if you have Googled your own name, you have probably found this blog entry. Hi! This is your Mom. A Very happy belated 18th birthday to you, Tony Baloney Balloon. I miss you very much.

Mimi called me with the great news that she had managed to find a phone number for you in Mexico, and then called you and talked with you for most of an hour. I was so happy. I want to call you myself, and talk with you for as long as the card holds out ... I'm going to give that a shot next week on Wednesday, just before Thanksgiving.

I've been fantasizing about meeting you for the first time in 12 years, musing on what that could be like. Talking with you was always fun, and it will be again. I loved hanging out with you, such a neat kid. I loved you to pieces when you were little, have every day since, and will love you to pieces your whole life and beyond. I just can't wait to see you and get to know you all over again, this time with all kinds of new stuff.

I know Mimi gave you my email, here it is again: cath68@gmail.com
She also gave you my phone number; call her or email me if you need that again.
If you remember Bernie (I have a little hope that you at least vaguely remember him), he would LOVE to hear from you; once I talk to you, I'll give you his email and phone number.

Be good, baby. One way or another, I will talk to you soon.

Love,

Mama

Jeff/Cath NFL Update

Happy for me, but quite painful for Jeffrey. He owes me a ticket; I'll let you know the results as soon as he lets me know.

Currently, team standings:

Redskins: 3 & 6, PCT .333; Home 2-2, Road 2-4; AFC 2-2, NFC 2-4; DIV 1-3 - last in the NFC East

Seahawks: 6 & 3, PCT .667; Home 4-1, Road 2-2; AFC 1-1, NFC 5-2; DIV 3-0 - first in NFC West

Jeff/Cath standings:
(the most recent update for us was over a month ago - let's hope we get a winner, today!)

As of Oct. 6: "[Your Redskins Scratcher] won $15! You get $9 to add to your $1.20
(Jeff$10.20) , I get $6. to add to my $1.80
(Cath$7.80); you are ahead by $2.40."


I'll have a meatier entry a bit later today. :)


*later, 4:50 p.m.* - Or not, I've ended up preoccupied with stuff today, happily in one incredible case. I will talk about that tomorrow. I haven't heard from Jeff yet today though; I won't pester him about it unless it gets much later in the week with no word. The guy probably doesn't really want to think about football at the moment.

Trading Places

I have a new Seattleite pal on MySpace:



His name is Bill. I think he's using the site mainly for dating, and he seems like a pretty cool guy. He lives in an area of my sweet hometown that I know very well, Ballard. I used to work at the Olympic Athletic Club there, and see bands live in its great little clubs. One of my favorite singers, Chris Cornell, went to school at St. Alphonsus in Ballard.

Bill is from Los Angeles, born and raised within a couple miles of where I currently live, a 90+ year old apartment building from which you could throw a rock and hit The Arclight, A.K.A The Cinerama Dome. He told me just this morning that he and his buds used to sneak in there all the time growing up, and that he went to nearby Hollywood High.

I think it's cool that this guy who lives in a neighborhood I love (and very near where I'm from) found me, a girl who lives very near where he's from.

Wow.

Sometimes hitting "Next Blog" pays off:



I think the author took this photo. Amazing!! Click the image to visit that blog.

Sackalicious

The Hawks did us proud last night, sacking the living daylights out of the Raiders. They smashed 'em into a messy pulp in this low scoring but seriously fun game.

NFC West
Team	W	L	T	PCT	PF	PA	DIV	Streak
Seattle	5	3	0	.625	165	177	2-0	Won 1
St. Louis	4	4	0	.500	180	197	1-2	Lost 3
San Francisco	3	5	0	.375	143	238	1-1	Won 1
Arizona	1	7	0	.125	134	196	1-2	Lost 7

Update

The Redskins won a "crazy game" (quoting Jeff) yesterday against the Cowboys. Lottery tickets shall ensue only if the Seahawks do not win their game against the Raiders tonight, which THEY HAD DAMN WELL BETTER (aren't I a sweetheart, though).

I rather dislike the Raiders.

What else? Speaking of crazy, you must have a look at this:

CockClucker

...and of course catch yourself up on the rest of Joy's blog while you're at it. She has some great Halloween party pics up there.


That's all at the moment, although I could probably use to come back later. Perhaps I shall add stuff here and see you then.

*Rolls Eyeballs Dramatically*

I forgot about the letter "V",



A.K.A., the number FIVE.




This morning while riding to work with the lovely and grape-flavored Joy (her soul is purple), I was car-watching and fantasizing about personalizing the license plates of my future Mercedes SLK 350 (hey, it's MY brain, I can do what I want in there :P), Audi TT, Audi A4 and Jeep [I Haven't Decided Which Model, But Definitely A Jeep]. Some of the less intriguing, but more pertinent ideas:

Cath I, Cath II, Cath III and Cath IV

Thatch I, Thatch II, ThatchIII and Thatch IV

CTT I, CTT II, CTT III and CTT IV

Then I saw a cool car on the freeway, and thought, ooo, I want that one too, so that one would be license plate number Cath VI or Thatch VI or ... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT WOULD MAKE MY MASERATI 'CATH VII', WHICH IS SEVEN. WHAT HAPPENED?

So, *smacks forehead*, I realized that I had forgotten about the Roman glyph for numeral five: the lonesome letter V. It goes naked for five between IV (4) and VI (6).

But for online notebooks titled in Latin, that just doesn't look good, so what am I gonna do. Americans understandably first (and sometimes only) read "V" as the capital letter V and not the Roman numeral five; people would just think I've named the thing after a (misspelled) brand of feminine hygeine products and a random letter of the alphabet and figure, well, she's off her rocker, let's click "Next Blog" rather immediately.

So I'm just gonna smear the truth around and re-subtitle the blog 'the sixth notebook'. Think of it as a 13th floor (still often labelled 14th floors, which I think is kinda cool actually).

Something Happier...

...to cleanse your palate from the previous post: an enormous pic of my old pal DC with his new(er) band, Pigmy Love Circus. It just occured to me I might find something of him on the PLC MySpace. He is third from left, and below laughing hysterically. Click the band's pic to go see their site.



The Blue Drum God:

Bleah.

When I write out in public, it's usually happy-ish or neutral, it's definitely selected and polished a little. It's rarely been raw me, perhaps it should be more often, I don't know. But I know that the raw me can be both boring and a real bummer, so I'm self conscious. Who wants to bore people and bum them out? I wrote the following, figuring as I did so that I'd just erase it and replace it with something about football or acting or whatever, but I'm not replacing it. I'm lost, I've been pretty lost for a while, and here's me talking about it:

I really wonder how much longer I'll live. I know my kick-the-can life has drastically shortened my life expectancy. Very few important things are going right or well, and although I mostly have a sense of humor about it, today I don't. I get pretty fucking tired. You can't just keep going like this indefinitely. Every so often I've gotten some drastic jolt to happen, hoping for a jumpstart. Well, that method's effectiveness has tapered off a lot with each try, and now it's utterly run its course. I can't do that anymore, and I have no idea what else I can do. A bunch of money all at once would definitely help, I could work with that :P. Where else do I get real hope? It's in this frame of mind where I say, I could use some good news. From outside my own self, that I do not have to manufacture myself. I have too hard a time lately accessing my own (hope and good news), the survival kind I come up with for myself, and even if it weren't such a drag to do, the result's hollower than ever these days. It's like go-through-the-motions hope, not substantive, I-could-be-excited-about-this hope. It isn't real. I can see through it too easily. I am too alone, for too long, my small life is too big of a disaster, and I'm tired.

The Feast of All Saints

This particular phrase has special meaning in New Orleans, especially lately, and most especially after these past few games. Boo-ya for them! They didn't win this most recent Sunday against Baltimore, but they've been doing very well overall. I'm all for raising spirits in that neck of the woods.

What it usually means is the holiday, of course. I love it the best because there are wonderfully creepy, spooky stories in its history that connect disparate cultures and eras. I was brought up in a (very) Catholic household, and I always did appreciate having this sort of thing to cull from that and keep.

A statue and image of Sexy St. Catherine of Sienna, after whom I was named: